Anxiety was something that quietly took root in my twenties, but looking back, I can see its subtle beginnings in my younger years. Take middle school, for instance. I remember a particular quiz where I scored a 94. Most of my classmates would have celebrated, but for me, it was a crisis. I had set my personal standard at 95, and missing it by a single point felt like the end of the world. It seems wild and unnecessary now, but at the time, it consumed me with stress.
As I grew older, these small moments of stress began to weave themselves into a larger, more pervasive sense of anxiety. By the time I hit my twenties, anxiety had become a constant companion, showing up uninvited in various aspects of my life. Each decision, no matter how small, seemed to come with a looming cloud of doubt and second-guessing.
A moment that stands out as my first acknowledgment of anxiety was when I was in line for TSA at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport, a fresh young 19-year-old traveling solo for the first time. When I was little, I loved flying. Going to the airport was so exciting. But all of a sudden, it filled me with a nervous bundle of unresolved energy. I was worried about packing an 8-ounce water bottle in my carry-on (which, obviously, I didn't—I checked) or a full bottle of shampoo (which makes no sense). Most of my anxieties aren't based in reality, but they sure feel convincing. And now something I used to enjoy was soured.
There's not a day that goes by when I don't double-check if the faucet is shut off, even though I'm almost 99 percent sure I did. This habit of double-checking started innocently enough, but over time, I realized that while it might put my mind at rest, it was also shaping my perspective negatively. The constant doubt of daily tasks increased my self-doubt. It may not seem like a big deal to wonder if I switched off the fan before I leave, but when it comes to bigger decisions—like trying something new, publishing a more personal article, or even questioning my work performance and whether I'm a good enough employee—it can feel debilitating.
I remember one evening in particular. I was working late, putting the finishing touches on a essay for a prestigious scholarship application. As I hovered over the 'submit' button, that familiar flutter of anxiety returned, stronger than ever. My mind swirled with questions: "What if the judges don't like it? What if I missed something crucial?" This second-guessing was relentless, each question intensifying the anxiety. I kept revising, hoping to achieve a "perfect" essay that didn't exist because no matter what, I doubted I would be happy with it.
Self-doubt then entered the scene like an unkind whisper in my ear, telling me I wasn't good enough, that I would never measure up. It was a cycle I knew all too well, one that seemed impossible to break. The more I questioned myself, the more anxious I became, and the more anxious I became, the more I questioned myself.
At this point, I'm just at the self-awareness stage. I've come to recognize this pattern of anxiety, second-guessing, and self-doubt, and while that awareness is a crucial first step, it's just the beginning. I'm committed to finding ways to address it, to break the cycle, and to reclaim my confidence. I'll update as I learn more and discover strategies that help. For now, sharing my story feels like a small, hopeful step in the right direction.
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